A Piece about Homosexuality, naturally
Author: Drew Burdon
Posted: On WitchVox April 25th. 2001
The only thing, I've recently discovered, that is worse than being hated is nobody caring if you're in the room or not. I'd much rather someone yelled abuse at me than nobody even to look in my direction. Like I don't even exist to them. It hurts worst when those people who used to be closest to you are doing this to you. The gods help you if you dare to shine. Everything is perfect at the start. Then everybody discovers little things that they don't agree with and this is the beginning of the end. Respect turns into familiarity which dies as intolerance without anybody remembering when or why. And not caring, which is to me, the saddest thing of all.
Being treated with the highest indifference has a profound effect on even the most self-assured of people. As each day passes and nobody looks at you when you're sitting in a group, or the person popping their head round the door to see who's watching TV leaves without saying a word when they discover it's just you, you begin to question your worth to society and eventually begin to stay away from people to avoid bringing upon yourself the passive cruelty they radiate. As if they want to flay away your self esteem without the guilt that comes by doing it with harsh words. With absolutely no possibility of admitting as much to themselves they delight in seeing your light dim as your happiness and motivation fade away with your smiles as you're brought back down to your proper place beneath their level of achievement and sociability.
Why am I treated differently? What have I done to deserve this? What's wrong with who I am?
Being gay, it seems these are questions that I have been asking since my childhood and which plague me still. Perhaps this is because there are no answers to these questions out there to know. Perhaps nobody can truly know anything. Knowledge as I see it is comprehensive understanding of what is, and because everything in creation is integrally intertwined with the next, with the possibilities and potentials born from these being exponential and ever changing, "knowledge" is infinite and therein lies a paradox. The only knowledge I believe can ever be complete is knowing oneself. And who besides the gods are in a better position to get to know you? And furthermore, saying I'm already theorising, I believe that the person who truly knows himself or herself holds the key to unlocking the paradox of knowledge and can begin the journey from knowing what is within to understanding what is without. This journey is the path of every witch. You may ask how anyone can ever know everything about himself or herself when throughout life you continue to grow? You can always try to be aware of why you are growing and changing.
So where is this all leading? Being gay and sensitive are blessings I am thankful for every day. It may seem a little strange for me to say this after what I have just written. But by being gay and asking questions like "why am I like this?", makes me and most other gay people naturally introspective, and by being cut so deeply by others, the heartache teaches me how even withholding a smile or a simple "hello" can jade the soul into a quietness more sad than a teardrop. We all know that a great deal of growth in a person's life is brought about by pain. I choose to feel the emotional pain time and again and I forgive and thank the people who so casually wrong me and let go of my anger at their injustice and hypocrisy, for by their example I am safeguarded against becoming as callous and cruel as they.
If you ever see me I'll be the Pagan smiling at my god and goddess enjoying having been chosen for the powerful gift of homosexuality while others are worrying about polarity and feeling hated - resenting how complicated and lonely it is being gay, and considering their tendencies unnatural. Because I see the gay witch as the most natural witch of all.